Cross Examination

by Robert Gryfft

"Where were you on the night of December 23, 2009?"

Jackson swallowed. "It's kind of hard to say."

The prosecutor grinned evilly. "This webcomic was posted from your IP at 9:00, that night. Your honor, definitive proof the accused creates webcomics." He turned on the projector.

The jury gasped in horror.

" The prosecution rests."

Bad Dog

by Ari Collins


“Shit!" Martin said. “Guard dog. We gotta get over the fence, man!” The moans of the shambling undead rounded the corner behind us.

I rummaged for a Slim Jim. “That’s just big stupid Zeebo.” The dog wore his usual dumb expression as the snack sailed by. “Goddamnit.”

Then Zeebo, tongue lolling out, began to moan.

Rejoice! cried the madman, The nightmare goes on!

by Robert Gryfft

T:15320801122010
#@##
Hello? Hey, how're you? Yeah? Really. Yeah. Not really productive lately. Me too, just thinking the other day that--wait, did you hear that? Hold on, I'm going to

*glass breaking*

The hell, there's -- there's lots of them-- Jesus, it bit me, it's, it's under my skin

*electronic hiss*

I....

*gurgles*
#
#
#

We return.
##@#
>

Elevate Us

by Ari Collins


Aren’t you... getting off the elevator here?"

“No. Aren’t you?"

“I’m waiting for the train.”

“Me too! Warmest place in this damn station.”

“Plus, everyone’s amusingly awkward on elevators.”

“They are.”

“...”

“So.”

“...”

“And heading up again! Someone with a stroller, probably.”

“Probably.”

“...”

“Maybe I’ll wait out there. Nice, brisk weather.”

“Oh, okay! I’ll... see you.”

--XP--R=M--NT*L F=R#GS*R

by Robert Gryfft

Seeing him, she knew him. Or, perhaps, she needed to know him.

His stories, decisions, accomplishments. Puzzle pieces.

She'd learn to understand him--
And just talk to him.

He was a too-skinny kid with really sad eyes.

He listened. Eventually, he smiled.

For a little while, they lived.
For a long while, they remembered.

Billy Finds a New Toy

by Jackson Ferrell


Phone rings. I answer.

“Yes, I was BILLY! STOP SINGING! I received a message yesterday about some suspicious activity on my card, and NO, BILLY, WE ARE NOT STOPPING AT DAIRY QUEEN sorry. I was just—WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER? PUT THAT AWAY—”

You get some weird calls in customer service.

Cataclysm

by Ari Collins


He opened his laptop upon waking, queuing his orc mage, xXPwnershipXx, for heroic dungeons. He topped off his piss bottle, then typed, “slooooow queue! where my healers at?” Trade Chatters’ usual “at YOUR MOMS”-type response never came. Odd. And not one of his guildies was online?

He got up and walked to the window.

Evolutionary Sexology

by Robert Gryfft

I pulled a twig out of her hair. "So was I right?"

She giggled, trying to catch her breath.

I smirked. "Primitive pleasures. My specialty."

She grinned. "What do you really do?"

"Well, I'm a teacher. But it was a great pickup line, wasn't it?"

"So-so. Always fun to meet a kinky dude, though."

Stuff

by Ari Collins


“Sorry I’ve been so quiet,” I said as we walked to the supermarket. “Just thinking.”

“That’s fine, honey." She said absentmindedly. “But hey, why the sudden self-consciousness, though?” she asked. “You’re never much of a talker.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I said.

“What are you thinking about, Aaron Roberts?”

“Oh, you know. Just... stuff.”

Everyone's About To Look At You Funny

by Eobrt Grffyt

Hold your breath until I tell you.

And just a while longer, young Sir.

I instruct you thus that you may understand the panic your adversary will feel if you choose to asphyxiate him. In his desperation, he will strike wildly. Guard yourself well.

Not yet, my Prince.

Wait. Relish the panic. Wait.

And exhale.

Guy

by Ari Collins


“New guy’s drinking his Coke like it’s fucking dick. Fucking fag, this guy.”

“Lay off. Guy probably really is a fag, but whatever. My cousin’s a fag. Long as they keep it indoors.”

“Hey man. I didn’t know. I’m real sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“But still. Guy should drink a fucking Coke right, right?”

Scatology Major

by Robert Gryfft


"I didn't do good in high school."

"Well, Jason, why don't--"

"Or middle school."

"Well, that's--"

"I'm no good at math. Or reading. I don't like people very much."

"Mister Jones, I asked you to describe your ideal career."

Jason grimaced. "Uhh.. I guess my dream job is to get paid for my bodily functions."

Exogenesis: Overture

by Zel Kuroi


The first invaders captured our strongest and greenest, leaving the weak for the stragglers. As the wintry days passed, they even turned on the tender saplings.

Their axe blows ring through our ranks, but the oldest of us, too thick to be felled, insist the invaders couldn't be happy without decorating us in their homes.

Exogenesis: Cross-Pollination

by Zel Kuroi


They mutilated me and decked my imprisoned body in baubles and lights; now my dying limbs bleed needles onto a hostile floor. Their family pictures on the mantle mock me with festive smiles.

I can reach the fireplace with one limb and the curtains with another. Let my dry corpse kindle the flames of revenge.

Exogenesis: Redemption

by Zel Kuroi


I'm so afraid at first. But the tiniest among them welcome me and give me handmade trinkets to wear on my branches. They cover the shame of my aching stump with brightly colored packages and gather their elders around me and laugh and sing.

I won't live long, but maybe this can be my home.

College Sunday

by Jackson Ferrell


The clock says 2:07. Everything aches. I walk to Sonic and order coffee and a large tots, and every time I think about today’s homework, or what I did last night, it drives another nail into my headache. It’s gray outside. Everything is so loud.

I close my eyes and pray, and pray, and pray.

Prom Night

by Jackson Ferrell


“So Reginald will open the portal to his dimension at 8:30, and...” Chad stopped pacing the kitchen. “Aren’t you excited?”

“I guess.”

“Man, what’s your deal? Our classmates’ll be boozing and dancing and wearing rental tuxes, and we’re gonna hunt friggin’ dinosaurs.”

I shrugged. “We can hunt dinosaurs anytime. You only get one senior prom.”

Billy Eats Out

by Jackson Ferrell


At the Taco Bell Pizza Hut Express, Billy created a breadstick chalupa, talked nonstop to any strangers who would listen, and most importantly, did not throw nachos at anybody. But as he backed out of the parking space, Billy turned to face us.

"I want a Taco Bell Pizza Hut Express for Christmas," he said.

Tired

by Ari Collins


Completely exhausted, I peeled my daughter off my back and we sat on the steps.

“Daddy, you’re the best high-horsey.”

“Where’d you come up with ‘high-horsey?’” I smiled.

“Mommy says she’s tired of you getting all high-horsey. Don’t be mad, daddy. I’m never tired.”

I smiled once more and kneeled for her.

Life

by Robert Gryfft

He decided to end his life.

He found a hole to die in. He got a job to pay for alcohol and rent.

He took up television. He took up cigarettes and casual sex. He started enjoying himself.

He found Love. He created Art. He decided to live his life.

He had a heart attack.

Login

by Ari Collins


“Wait, let me guess: you’re wondering why your password’s not working.”

“Yeah." Had my account been deleted? Was I fired?

“Some maintenance issue, they reset everyone’s password. You’d know that if you made Morning Meeting.”

“Yes sir,” I said. “From now on, I’ll be early every day.”

The next week I was fired for tardiness.

Dei Cingant

by Robert Gryfft

"This is it?" She stopped before the quiet wooden door.

The glittering necklace drew tighter. Enter, it compelled her. Enter that we may consume you, and know mortal flesh once more.

She swayed, spots dancing before her eyes. "I won't-- I can't--"

The thing around her neck constricted until she gasped.

She touched the doorknob.

read this

by Robert Gryfft


Hello there. You're the only one who can see this. Read carefully and do exactly as I say.

Uncross your legs, take your left hand off your face, sit up straight. It'll be over quickly.

Just stay still. Don't cry out, open a new window, or make any sudden movements.

Good. Don't look behind you.

Blind Date

by Tiny-Fiction


I met my wife during an alien abduction. She had been through the experience many times and was very kind to me. After I was returned she found me. We had lots in common and hit it off.

Soon we were dating. She doesn’t comment on my tiny eyes and I ignore her green skin.

Field Dressing

by Robert Gryfft

The Psychic gasped. "Help me."

The Logician closed his eyes. "Visual access."

The Psychic's senses melted into the Logician's mind. He could see ectoplasmic tissue beating wetly, weakly.

"Reach in," the Logician said, dripping sweat. "Remove the shrapnel."

"Hurts-- it hurts too much--"

The Psychic screamed as, together, they pulled barbed splinters from his soul.

Holiday Gone

by Ari Collins


He stopped celebrating Halloween after his sister’s seizure on October 31st. His own birthday disappeared when his best friend overdosed. His parents’ car crashed on a regular Tuesday, but there went Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and Thanksgiving.

Nine months after he married Samantha, he celebrated a new birthday. That winter, he had Christmas again.

I Have Tenure Dammit

by Robert Gryfft

'"She is as young as a year is young. And as foolish."
"Of course, father-doctor."
"Guide her."
"As you wish, father-doctor." He looked away.' Joey cleared his throat and smiled glumly.
"That's it?" said Colleen. "That's your fifty-five word story?"
"Uh... yeah?"
She snorted. "It sucks."
"Why?"
"Too short."
"Whatever."
"Bye."
"Bye."

Automatic

by Ari Collins


Brett droned on the whole ride home, not even checking if Amy was still listening. Where was the considerate man she'd married?

Suddenly, a Jeep swerved nearly into them. Brett's arm flew across her sternum protectively, and Amy was warmed by his instinctive thoughtfulness.

"As I was saying," Brett resumed as the jeep honked past.

55 No Longer

by Ari Collins


The child dragged his fingertips along the concrete walls. “Was everything so new at this age, Robert?”

“I don’t recall, sir. And your body?”

The boy sneered at the operating table. “That fucking thing? It’s trash.”

“Naturally, sir.”

“No. Wait... Transplant that damned shrapnel to my new shoulder first."

Tiny hands stroked a scarred arm.

Open Sky

by Robert Gryfft

The Savant watched the door while the Psychic and the Logician investigated.

The Logician watched quietly as the Psychic scanned.

Look at this-- thought the Psychic.

The Logician turned the knife, scrutinizing it.

He nodded. Murder weapon confirmed. It's our guy.

--Danger-- thought the Savant.

The Logician raised his Beretta. The Psychic closed his eyes.

Impostory OR Unplagiarism

by Ari Collins

You gutted me like a fish.

Once my scales glittered brightly. Now I'm exposed. Empty. Raw.

I flopped away before you could gobble me up, but it's too late for my heart. And my entrails.

I almost wish I'd waited for the frying pan. Just so I might splash grease on you before I'm gone.

Body Snatch

by Zel Kuroi


She's so vivacious. Of course that's why he likes her. He hasn't touched me since the cancer started spreading.

I want it all: her thick hair, unscarred stomach, hypnotic swaying pelvis. Even that. Her license says donor, and a bullet won't damage those precious organs.

You want between her legs, honey? Look closer at mine.

Untitled

by Meghan


Winnie wrapped her baby brother's bleeding hand in a Christmas stocking trying to calm him but his wails brought her parents running. "Santa bit him," sobbed Winnie pointing at the fireplace. Her parents' angry faces resolved into fear as they remembered a certain headline from that morning's paper. "Escaped Cannibal in Christmas Suit Climbs Chimney."

Dark

by Jackson Ferrell


She wakes up cold, while it’s still dark out. She puts one frozen waffle in the toaster and starts brewing coffee. While the waffle cooks, she eats a banana, and while the coffee brews, she eats the waffle. In the car, she drinks the coffee.

The coffee tastes like dirt. It always tastes like dirt.

Mix Tape

by Zel Kuroi


I play that weird CD you gave me, some indie junk you think is so sensitive. I figure there's no better time than a cross-country drive to get in all that listening I meant to do.

The first song talks about breaking up with a selfish jerk. So do you, from the passenger seat.

Reflections

by Ari Collins


Where you're passive aggressive, my character, Karen, screamed and spat and raged. When my protagonist told Karen everything was fine, she wasn't gullible -- like you were. While you challenged my every self-destructive vice, she practiced a benign neglect. But the real difference, the reason you'd never recognize her as you: Karen was self-aware.

Lay off the Belle and Sebastian, Ari

by Ari Collins


But when Ryan catalogued his symptoms for the confused doctors, he instead found himself writing about a robodragon who battled a steam knight across forests and towns and moors until the dragon realized he was in love with his enemy. After Ryan finished the tale, the aches up and down his left side disappeared forever.

Easier Living for Dummies

by Ari Collins


It's easier to open a banana from the bottom; just squeeze. It's easier to unscrew a lid if you run it under hot water first. It's easier to apologize than ask permission. It's easier to neglect to delete the sexts than to tell her what's wrong. It's easier to meet new people than to change.

He Despises Bad Listeners

by Robert Gryfft

"Ask me anything," he said.

Her muffled reply was mostly vowels.

He sighed. "But I already told you that, love!"

She tried to repeat herself then broke down into choking sobs. Blood and saliva bubbled redly from her lips. The eye that wasn't swollen shut pleaded with him silently.

"My," he said. "Aren't we dull."

He Said No Pickles

by Robert Gryfft

Imagine someone wronged you so terribly the only proper answer was ultimate suffering.

Naturally, you'd torture that person almost to death. Repeatedly.

You'd discover, as I did, that torture is taboo only because it's irresistible once tasted. More addictive than heroin. More fulfilling than love.

I think that answers your question. Now, where were we?

Night of the Living Edgar

by Ari Collins


I again placed my right hand on the headless zombie's chest. Thrum-thrum. Thrum-thrum. I dug through filmy necrotic muscle. Thrum-thrum. Thrum-thrum. There it was: a pacemaker, loyal in the face of obscenity.

I stomped the creature's chest until the only heartbeat I heard was my own, in my ears, and joyful.

To Deactivate An Avibot

by Robert Gryfft

Eighty surveyed my moving truck and spat a thick black drop of oil.

"'Bout time," it said. "Ya orgs bin stinkin' up the block since y'all plunked yer meatsack asses here. Good riddance."

"Amazing," I said to Joey. "You've successfully reproduced bigotry in your machines."

"My latest project," he said. "So, why are you moving?"

Almost

by Ari Collins


She told me, "Get a grip." I'd stopped suddenly, a bead of sweat dripping off my nose onto her chest. The look on her flushed face said she knew why. I'd been imagining she was you.

I got a grip by imagining I was making love to her. Almost like I was really there.

The Amateur

by Omphalodes


Everyone on Chet’s new block has a hobby. Wade fixes boats. Thursday night poker in Ryder’s garage. Chester collects Hollywood relics. Then Barnaby opens his garage door. Broken chain, so he lifts it by hand. Rich green carpet is revealed. “C’mon Chet, sit in the chair. I got it last week.” Barnaby’s hobby is dentistry.

Ribbit

by Zel Kuroi


Yesterday I drank all the water I could. It was the next best thing to submerging myself in a pond to soak, and it kept the sobs down. Today I woke up with semi-permeable skin, and your scornful words sliced through all over again and bisected my heart.

Tomorrow I'll work on my poison glands.

Power Metal

by Jackson Ferrell


My fingers press strings to frets, sliding from position to position, and the guitar grinds like I’m strumming a chainsaw. The earth rumbles with the hum of the final chord, and the gargantuan steel-and-stone giant rises from sleep, its eyes burning orange.

This time around, the demons don’t stand a chance in hell.

Town Falls Down

by Omphalodes


Blithe was just in time to see the world en flambé from the rooftop. Staring down amongst strangers, she imagined a merciless troubadour coaxing the orange flames through the streets on a drowsy steed. The saltwater of the bay did not lift a finger. Clouds hung low, but no rain to speak of. Everyone waited.

Personal Log: #SZ990-E.2016.1003.22:14:14.199

by Jackson Ferrell


I’m pretty sure I can trust Josh. He thinks maybe he can salvage some data from my corrupted memory sectors.

I’m not so sure about Angie, though. She talks about me like I’m not even there, and looks at me like I’m property. And long after everyone’s gone to bed, she’s still up, watching me.

I Guess I'll Send Myself a Fruit Basket

by Sonja Nitschke


The old scientist wired the machine to go to the past only. “But I
want to get my hover car,” I said.

His jaw gaped. “Why? The future isn't written yet!” He jabbed his
finger against my sternum. “Thou art god! Only you write the future!”

I leaned close. “I'm not a goddamn rocket scientist.”

Ezekiel 7

by Zel Kuroi


The roiling clouds overhead are settling, their aggregation aborted. The hail no longer pings on the roof of my car, and the raindrops lancing down like spears disperse into gentle misting sheets.

Because their orchestrator is in the trunk, his massive wings crammed in and folded out of joint. There will be no judgment today.

Speak Now And Forever Rest In Peace

by Robert Gryfft

Jason kept his gaze locked with mine defiantly, his gun hand steady despite his ragged panting.

"We're going to have to settle this sometime," I said.

He laughed mirthlessly. "Now isn't a good time for you?"

I put my gun down and sighed heavily. "Right time, wrong place."

Father Horace asked, "Are you quite finished?"

Is This A Dildo Which I See Before Me?

by Ari Collins


After the stunt cock's fatal embolism, the actors started calling it "The Scottish Porn." Refreshment table sushi disappeared and the prop room developed a cold spot by the dildos, but it wasn't until Cherri Lovering complained about the Out Damn Spot scene's "double penetration rewrite" that producer Richard Shakespeare realized: this was a rising star.

Meaninglessly Inn And Out

by Robert Gryfft

Maybe she can't sleep either. Maybe she's lonely. Maybe she wishes I'd talk to her.

I press my ear to the wall for long minutes. I drink myself to sleep.

I wash away thought and emotion the next morning. I make it to the airport in time.

I'm empty. Sure. But not lonely. I'm not.

Troll Too

by Ari Collins


The troll ripped the doll apart and threw the head on the pile, the pink-haired scalp joining those of Barbies, Transformers, He-Men. "Trolls were never cute," the creature squealed. "Even in the Nineties. But I accept your toll; you may pass."

We got back in our cars and crossed the bridge to work.

Cloak and Dagger and Laser

by Robert Gryfft

"You!" Leonid drew his sword. "You dare set foot in this royal chamber?"

"My mistake, my prince." Zelathuctus lifted his raygun, smiling thinly. "I should have destroyed it from orbit."

The raygun flashed. Prince Leonid disappeared in a puff of smoke and ashes.

Zelathuctus sighed with satisfaction. "But that personal touch makes all the difference."

Modern Fortune Telling

by Ari Collins


I walked right to the table -- past the note where her toaster had been. I lifted her still-warm coffee and, with my pinky, traced the half-circle underneath. The pattern foretold that she'd return. Not soon or happily or when I'd most need her. But she would return.

The coffee was lukewarm and salty.

A New Life Awaits You on Callista Prime

by Alias


Come see the purple beaches they said, and the low gravity hockey and the winged cats! Callista is the only offworld colony with winged cats! Only 499 credits! I'm lying on lavender sand, watching a shuttle-streamered sky. Approaching darkness enough to dim three suns, feathers in flight, flocks of siamese turning on a dime.

All Your Bases

by Alias


First contact was a big deal at first, but we quickly got used to their silver eyes and strange thermochromic skin. These days its all trade agreements and off-world exchange students.

I met Layl in English class, and when we hooked up my handprints on her skin gave us away in 10 seconds flat.

Boxed In

by Robert Gryfft

"Talk? About what?" She looked like she'd bitten a lemon.

"Anything! Everything! Our lives, work, the future!"

She pouted. "Stuff's depressing. You should dial down."

I sighed. "Look--"

She took off her shirt.

I reluctantly dialed my IQ gearbox to 60, even lower than she'd turned hers.

There was nothing reluctant about anything after that.

That Was an Awkward Vacation

by Ari Collins


I sat on my suitcase and waited for our cab in the pre-dawn cool. "Can't believe I'm fucking up."

She shrugged. "It's not too late to change your behavior."

"What? Oh, no, I meant, like, 'I can't fucking believe I'm up.'"

"Oh."

"Wait, what am I doing wrong?"

"You're fine. I mean... nothing. Never mind."